SMANTON SAUCEDOCK ESQUIRE: THE MAN BEYOND THE REACH OF TIME WHO NAMES THE THINGS! (and his manservant, Jenkins)

(please read Smanton’s voice as if it were coming out an excited man from the 1920s)

SS: Jenkins! It’s time to name some foods!

J: Yes, sir.

SS: Well, let us tarry no more! Hand me that tree bulb.

J: Sir, I’m afraid “tree bulb” never caught on. They call it “Fruit.”

SS: Just hand it over, Jenkins! Hmm, yes, I see. It’s spiny as if it fell from the branches of a Christmas conifer and oblong like a footing ball, with a stiff frill of branch-clingers.

J: Leaves, sir.

SS: Yes, yes. Fine. (slices it open, licks) By God, it’s sweet like an apple! Spiny like a pinecone… I dub this a PINEAPPLE!

J: But sir, it’s not an apple per se. And it doesn’t come from a pine tr–

SS: NEXT!

J: Here you go sir. We have a cereal they want us to name. (pushes bowl over)

SS: My word, little clumps of wheat hard as pebbles. They look like grape seeds, remember when grapes had seeds, Jenkins?

J: Yes, sir. But this isn’t a fruit.

SS: (takes a bite) They’re like grape seeds you can eat! A nut is simply a seed you can eat, is it not Jenkins?

J: I don’t believe that’s generally the case, sir. I–

SS: THAT SEALS IT! I proclaim this horrid mouth gravel to be GRAPE NUTS! NEXT!

J: (sighs) Here you go. Another fruit.

SS: A-HA! Yellow, long, almost like a blank banner of sorts. (takes a bite) Hmm! The outside is as bitter as your mother’s tears, Jenkins, but the inside’s sweet like an apple! I will name thee a BLANK BANNER APPLE!

J: Uh, I don’t really think it tastes like an apple, personally.

SS: You’re right Jenkins, that doesn’t roll off the tongue so well. Fine then. Fine…let’s shorten it to: Blanbannal! No, Bananapple! No. BANANA! THIS IS A BANANA!

J: (Groans)

SS: Ah ha, this must be next! (Grabs apple off desk)

J: No sir, that’s an apple. We named that last week, remember?

SS: (takes bite) Hmm. Yes, yes. By god, it’s sweet like an apple! Red, round, shiny. I WILL CALL THIS A DULCITUDINOUS MANA SPHERE! Next! Jenkins? Where did you go?

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