(please read Smanton’s voice as if it were coming out an excited man from the 1920s)

SS: Jenkins! It’s time to name some foods!

J: Yes, sir.

SS: Well, let us tarry no more! Hand me that tree bulb.

J: Sir, I’m afraid “tree bulb” never caught on. They call it “Fruit.”

SS: Just hand it over, Jenkins! Hmm, yes, I see. It’s spiny as if it fell from the branches of a Christmas conifer and oblong like a footing ball, with a stiff frill of branch-clingers.

J: Leaves, sir.

SS: Yes, yes. Fine. (slices it open, licks) By God, it’s sweet like an apple! Spiny like a pinecone… I dub this a PINEAPPLE!

J: But sir, it’s not an apple per se. And it doesn’t come from a pine tr–


J: Here you go sir. We have a cereal they want us to name. (pushes bowl over)

SS: My word, little clumps of wheat hard as pebbles. They look like grape seeds, remember when grapes had seeds, Jenkins?

J: Yes, sir. But this isn’t a fruit.

SS: (takes a bite) They’re like grape seeds you can eat! A nut is simply a seed you can eat, is it not Jenkins?

J: I don’t believe that’s generally the case, sir. I–

SS: THAT SEALS IT! I proclaim this horrid mouth gravel to be GRAPE NUTS! NEXT!

J: (sighs) Here you go. Another fruit.

SS: A-HA! Yellow, long, almost like a blank banner of sorts. (takes a bite) Hmm! The outside is as bitter as your mother’s tears, Jenkins, but the inside’s sweet like an apple! I will name thee a BLANK BANNER APPLE!

J: Uh, I don’t really think it tastes like an apple, personally.

SS: You’re right Jenkins, that doesn’t roll off the tongue so well. Fine then. Fine…let’s shorten it to: Blanbannal! No, Bananapple! No. BANANA! THIS IS A BANANA!

J: (Groans)

SS: Ah ha, this must be next! (Grabs apple off desk)

J: No sir, that’s an apple. We named that last week, remember?

SS: (takes bite) Hmm. Yes, yes. By god, it’s sweet like an apple! Red, round, shiny. I WILL CALL THIS A DULCITUDINOUS MANA SPHERE! Next! Jenkins? Where did you go?



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