ANNOUNCEMENT from Old Man Coffee

My wife says you should Go Fund Me…whatever that is. I’ve opened a coffee shop in a condemned Glenwood warehouse. There’s no sign because why bother. Call it Old Man Coffee’s if you must. I haven’t purchased the property, I’m just going to squat there. If you feel like ratting me out you should know that this business isn’t the only thing I don’t have a permit for–if you catch my drift.

When you walk in, you’ll see rows of mismatched lawn chairs facing a 50 gallon drum filled with scalding hot java that I’ll be stirring with whatever scrap of lumber I’ve found nearby. To pay for your cup of black coffee (the best and only option) just give me a goddamned quarter then use the barbecue tongs to grab a mug out of a second drum simmering with boiling water. Try not to whine about the heat of the coal fires. Your mug will probably say “World’s Best Grandma” or “Monsanto 20th Anniversary Celebration” and have a broken handle but deal with it.

After you grab your cup and approach the drum, I’ll ladle you out a cup of joe…mind the grounds. One quarter buys you as much Jitter Juice as you can handle. Don’t ask me where it was “sourced” or how it was roasted or you’ll be immediately tossed out (the stack of red cans in the corner should give you a clue). Hungry? Too bad…unless my lovely wife feels sorry for the customers that day and brings in some of her famous drop biscuits. Go ahead and take one, I don’t care. After you get your coffee and biscuit go sit down in one of the lawn chairs and shut up.

Some rules:

-No talking, just quiet sipping.
-Avoid eye contact while I stir the drum.
-No, I’m not going to hang your “art” on the wall or let you play your lute. Take in the desolate sight of ruined industrial equipment and listen to the wind blow through the holes in the aluminum walls.
-You’re not allowed to move any chairs (unless they’ve fallen over).
-No books. No ledgers. No lap computers. No internets. No wireless phones. If you want to loiter go to the bus stop on the corner.
-Everyone’s welcome…except for beatnicks, hippies, commies (including pinkos), politicians, solicitors, activists, liberals, conservatives, nuttos of any kind and kids. If you’re one of these things and I don’t happen to notice I suppose you get a pass that day, huh?
-No complaining.

When you’re done, go away. Don’t come back.

Actually, forget the Go Fund Me. Why don’t you just go fund yourself?

Old Man Coffee




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